It took me two years to feel comfortable referring to the abuser in my life as a narcissist. Narcissism exists on such a wide spectrum nowadays, from general narcissistic trends in society to actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Because of this, I originally didn’t like the idea of throwing out accusations of narcissism when I’m not a trained psychologist.
However, after having witnessed the abuser’s behavior for two years, I had to concede that they must have some serious mental health problems to want to keep such conflict alive. Their complete disregard for others, their shameless desire to distort reality, and their pathological obsession has finally convinced me that I’m dealing with a true narcissist.
Admitting I Have an Abuser in My Life
I’m one of those people that, while one might see me cry when I get hurt initially by an inconsiderate person, when it’s all said and done I close myself off and I won’t give the person the satisfaction of knowing that I’m still in pain. I won’t call, I won’t drunk-text, and I won’t go out of my way to inflict social harm onto that person to soothe my own ego. I let them walk away and prefer not to give them a front seat to my healing process, which may consist of poetry, making collages, and ranting to my closest friends.
To admit I had an abuser like this in an article is to admit that someone had hurt me and continued to hurt me. That goes anything everything I have trained myself not to do.
My first inclination is to think that I shouldn’t encourage the abuser’s behavior by letting it be known that it has had an effect on me, but by now I’ve realized that I need to talk about it. I will lose nothing because the abuser has already engaged in such gross slander and libel when I was silent that I have become desensitized to it. Speaking out will at least grant me the peace of mind that my side of the story is out there.
Abuse By Proxy – Guilty By Association
The situation is complicated due to the fact that I am not the abuser’s direct target. I have been abused by proxy. The abuser has come in the form of someone from my fiancé’s past, someone who believes that my fiancé has no right to a normal life and that they have every right to sabotage my fiancé at every possible turn, even if that means lying and resorting to criminal behavior.
Naturally, as my fiancé’s romantic partner, I became a major point of interest to the abuser from the moment we started seeing each other. Dating was never supposed to be in the cards for my fiancé, as far as the abuser was concerned. Having a significant other implied having some sense of emotional support, something that clashed heavily with the abuser’s agenda of social ostracism.
I have stood by fiancé firstly because he is awesome and my life has become so enriched by his presence, and secondly because I’m not the type of woman to blame my fiancé for the abuser’s poor conduct. That is exactly what the abuser would have wanted, for me to get so exasperated by the situation to the point that I turned against my fiancé. Unfortunately for them, that will never happen.
I don’t give into the demands of a person I know to be in the wrong, regardless of how I might be inconvenienced by the subsequent temper tantrum. Caving into the demands of an entitled brat will only cause more trouble later on, in my opinion.
Imagine if I had given up on my fiancé just to avoid the abuser’s wrath. That would have sent the message that the abuser could still dictate parts of my fiancé’s life, even from afar. I was not about to indulge that mentality. I had no intention of being a chess piece that the abuser could move across the board at their whim. The abuser must learn to accept that although they were successful in screwing over my fiancé for a little while, that ability to influence those around my fiancé is gone and that era is never coming back.
Admitting I Have a Narcissist in My Life
A major reason why I was so against the term narcissist was because neither my fiancé nor I dropped the n-bomb first. It was the abuser who was obsessed with labeling my fiancé as an abusive narcissist.
Every article they posted about narcissism just reinforced and explained their own bad behavior. When I think about it now I just have to laugh about how ridiculous the whole situation was. Who has the audacity to call someone else a narcissist when they themselves were the textbook example of someone raging after narcisstic injury?
Even though I believed the abuser to be engaging in narcissistic behavior such as projection and smear campaigning, I still did not think it a wise idea to throw the n-word back at them. I saw no point in engaging by getting into the deflection argument.
And truly, what difference did the label make? Abuse is abuse. Toxicity is toxicity. I didn’t need the comfort of a fancy term to validate my perception of what was going on, that an emotionally troubled individual was assassinating my fiancé’s character and belittling my intelligence to salvage their own image. Narcissist, jerk, chaleton, hypocrite…it was all the same to me.
Then there was one event in early January 2017 that changed my position on the matter. While I do not wish to discuss the details of it in this article, let’s just say that my fears that the abuser’s cyber-stalking could one day transcend the digital world into reality were confirmed. No one was harmed, but I had to stop lying to myself that this was a “normal” bitter person.
Their willingness to engage in a level of stalking that required several hundred miles of interstate travel made me realize the the abuser has not healed at all and is still obsessed with my fiancé (and me by association) to a pathological degree. After that, I felt that narcissist was one of the few words that could properly capture this person’s relentless and conniving nature. Beyond that, I honest believe that they would score high of the Dark Triad scale, which consists of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism.
For now the narcissist is laying low, trying to evade certain authorities because they are too stubborn and embittered to face the natural consequences of their actions. This demostrates their lack of insight and their inability to foresee the inevitable consequences of their malevolent behavior. Narcissists operate from a sense of legal and social invincibility, but one day karma will catch up with them.